why am I working on Labor Day
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Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close