buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
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just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Baby let鈥檚 play doctor. I鈥檒l go first. You owe me $3200.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Spotted in New Orleans.
Very good! 馃憤馃槀
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we鈥檝e run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don鈥檛 know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Me: 馃幍 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 馃幍 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Its a hippotatomus
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON鈥橳 FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It鈥檚 Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.