Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
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Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –