Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
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Whoa 😂
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Are you ok, human???
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.