me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
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*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.