As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
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Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
[eulogy]
line?
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.