Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
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It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?