I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
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ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser