Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
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i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is