okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
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The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Noted.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.