“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.