Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
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The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.