Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
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I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Can’t. Being lazy.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
umm…
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.