Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
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ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.