Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
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aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
A French press is when you hug naked
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.