Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
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Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way