Very good! 馃憤馃槀
You Might Also Like
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
tourist season
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You鈥檙e ready. Here is your baby.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
My son told me he couldn鈥檛 wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I鈥檓 driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
馃悎鈥嶁瑳馃槀馃枻
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
I鈥檓 just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I鈥檓 not kidding.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Being a parent is hard work, but it鈥檒l all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
When you鈥檙e firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you鈥檙e told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I鈥檓 adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.