When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
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Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night