Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
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how high up are we talkin’?
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice