her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
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Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
multitasking lunch
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.