* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
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Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
sigh
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.