Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
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Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?