If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
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Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Chicago sounds lovely.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction