fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
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[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Merry Christmas
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.