I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
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ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive