Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
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You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?