date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
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Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I just love that new Pope smell.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
selena gomez
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?