I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
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[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Noah was an idiot.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.