My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
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*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.