welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
You Might Also Like
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”