My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
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“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
#dnd #ttrpg
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy