They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
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My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
That time Alicia messaged me
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers