I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
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I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
ACED my prostate exam!
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I’m going to need a moment here.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!