date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
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Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?