My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
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We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
*praying for world peace*
God:
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
lmao
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Bed should get ready for ME
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what