Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
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The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.