*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
You Might Also Like
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Just as the prophecy foretold
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.