If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
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Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Brands during Pride
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.