Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
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I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage