As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
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made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”