Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
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Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
best review i’ve ever seen
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious