Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
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I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Check out the legs on this baby
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip