one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
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Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.