I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
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The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
My biological clock is wheezing.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice