[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
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I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.