My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
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Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Some people were born into their job.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life