[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.