I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
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*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]