I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
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Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread