The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
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If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I love the National Park Service.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”